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“The Dark Side” by Addiction: Lake Anna Ballapoolza

Posted by dabyrdman33 on August 13, 2010

Confessions of a Cuban Cigar Smoker

 

Lake Anna, Ballapoolza!

 

Pre-Prologue

 

We all know I overdo it, but as this post will cover almost a week’s worth of crap it’s longer than the lines to a Michael Moore debut at the Democratic National Convention. In turn for going through my free flowing text you will however get brief reviews of some of the best cigars EVER produced. There won’t be any real reviews it will be more Cigar Aficionado style like:

 

Sammy Sausagehead Big Cuban Belicoso – Tasted

Lights easy, beautiful cigar. Tastes of cardboard, paper and hints of motor oil. 84

 

When you see the term “tasted” it means that cigar was passed to me, I puffed and passed it on (puff, puff, PASS Bitch!). Some cigars are so rare, or expensive, or rare AND expensive that just to get a taste of them you have to share them with other people. This happens all the time at Cuban smokers herfs, but much less so at NC herfs.

 

Also I’m not going to give something that tastes like cardboard, paper and motor oil an 84, tho that is a direct quote from a magazine that did in fact use that descriptor and did in fact give the cigar an 84??? I think over there at that place if a cigar maker, any cigar maker, dropped trou and uppderdecked one right into the editors mouth he could still get a 70 for the effort provided he took a quarter page ad in that issue.

 

Prologue

 

So once a year in the land of the rising sun, otherwise known as Ohio, one of the nicest gentlemen you could ever meet hosts a herf not to be missed. And for the last 2-3 years me and a number of friends gather up our finest cigars, spirits, wine and beer and trek 6-7 hours each way to kick back and smoke. This herf has become huge, with this gentleman hosting hundreds of people in his home. Just with the size and the travel we NOVA smokers wondered if there might be something a little more local that would be appealing for us. So we got together and rented a house in Lake Anna, Va. And we invited a few people and a few more and then a few more.

 

Once in a planets lifetime the elements of balladom come together to rule the planet with, ummmmm, ballaocity? Sure go with it here. This is the diary of that event dear reader. These are the tablets sent down from the mountain with Moses. I will record for you the names, the places, and the key figures that were involved when many good cigars, many many good wines, a not insignificant number of beers and bottled spirits gave their lives bravely in support of FREEDOM!

 

What?

 

OK I know I’m laying it on a little thick but in my defense I did fall asleep watching Braveheart. You gotta admit that Mel Gibson makes an incredible hero. Unless you’re Jewish. Or Black. Or a police officer. Or his girlfriend. Or his wife. Or his children. Or…….. well you get where this is going.

 

Sunday Aug 8, 2010

 

As I stared out the window I observed many crows making the sign of the balla.

 

What?

 

OK FINE! By many I mean one, and by crow I mean some sort of red breasted singing birdie. But he looked shifty to me, he was prolly related to crows. I’m pretty sure he was thinking about making the sign of the balla at least. And for real unless your job is growing some kinda food product seeing one crow is a bad sign. You’re prolly thinking you’ve seen one crow before but if you live in the city and saw a black bird that was just a gangsta ass pigeon.

 

So having accepted the first sign of the Ballacaust I took my kids to my buddy Jason’s house. Jason has a pool and that’s the hook I used to get my kids there. And I took my kids because without the kids I would have had to just grab the projector I was there to borrow and split.

 

Before I forget I told my kids we were going to a friend’s house with a pool and here is what they asked me:

 

– Is he really rich?

– How does the man know to come to his house and sell candy during pool breaks, does he just follow the crowds?

– Will we have to park in the back?

– Does his butler clean the pool or do other people do it?

– How many lifeguards does he have?

– Where did you meet a rich person daddy?

– Is he richer than Mr. Crabbs (from Spongebob)?

– Will we need a new GPS to get to the rich peoples house?

– and my favorite: How can rich people be just like other people when they have everything we want already?

 

Since I took the kids however I could hang out at least long enough to smoke these:

 


 

Cohiba Millennium Edition Pirimides

Gorgeous cigars with pecan shell wrappers and beautiful. Produced to celebrate the new century the ten years age has been kind showing some cedar, honey, sweet tobacco and beany cohiba goodness throughout. These would have been perfect if they had more rest, they had just spent weeks in transit prior to being smoked. 95

 

Also worth noting his pool was salt water, apparently it’s better for the dolphins…..

 

Anyhow thanks to Jason for loaning us the 12 foot screen and projector for movies. That’s not an exaggeration by the way. The man has more square footage of TV for his pool than I own PERIOD! When you have a pool with a 12 foot movie screen you can’t pretend to not be balla. I asked how many megapixels his camera was and he said ALL, then pointed to the side and it actually said that on the damn thing.

 

Monday Aug 9, 2010

 

Before I forget to ask how did Jack Johnson become so famous? I mean I understand that as a society we are slacking these days but really? Cause that guy starts singing and I want to go to fucking sleep. The most entertaining parts of his CDs are the breaks between the goddamn songs!

 

Anywho, nothing happened but trip prep today for the most part. Packed my shitty cigars and shitty liquor and shitty beer. I will however take me being a black man and owning some Jack Johnson songs as the second sign of the Ballapalooza!

 

Tuesday Aug 10, 2010

 

At exactly midnight Tuesday morning I opened my door to be greeted by possibly hundreds of rabbits on my lawn facing the direction of Lake Anna and bowed down in supplication. Surely this is the third sign!

 

No seriously…..

 

Aight we’re going to have a problem if you are going to challenge everything I say like this. Fine it wasn’t hundreds, it was like 2. And that may not have been supplication, it may have been nibbling at my grass. You happy now? I’ll still take that as a sign of the Ballapalooza!

 

Ok the trip to Lake Anna was exciting. Not exciting in the “OMG she’s unbuttoning her blouse” way more like “OMG is that a dude in a turban wearing an I heart Osama t-shirt boarding my plane? Why are all those wires sticking out of his backpack?” kinda way. To call the last 40 miles dark is an understatement, it’s like Ray Charles face covered in duct tape trapped in a coal mine drilled in the bottom of a motherfucking black hole dark. It’s also rural as shit, you drive thru the kinda areas where the Children of Corn would be like “Aw hell naw, I ain’t fucking with these hillbillies.” The last twenty miles appear to be populated with knuckle dragging cromagnums who only breed when their cousin drinks too much corn liquor.

 

At least that’s what I told myself cause in reality I couldn’t see a damn thing. I was too busy staring straight ahead and white knuckle gripping my steering wheel and praying that when I slid off the road I would miss one of the 378,976,325,908 telephone poles constructed right on the edge of the road. Before I forget when you roll downtown to catch a Jay Z show sitting on chrome shoes you feel pretty good. When your rocketing down a road that’s so narrow and uneven that you feel like it was measured off by an autistic kid with his first metric ruler and you consider that if you get a flat 98% of the worlds tire shops don’t even own the machine to mount a twenty inch (or bigger) wheel and that the person that would find you prolly has at least one pillow case with eye holes cut into it. It seems to be a less good idea

 

Suffice to say I made it to Lake Anna and Cubatobaco and Steve R rolled in right behind me. My boy Cuba is the baddest motherfucker on the planet. Certainly people own more cigars than Cuba and/or own more expensive cigars, but no one owns them with more panache. Cuba is cooler than a polar bear swimming in an ice flow eating a fucking freezy pop. Steve R in contrast is the most laid back man on the planet, he makes Jack Johnson look like a meth head in crisis.

 

We hit some fantastic cigars and talked rap, religion and life.

 

Partagas Dunhill 150 Selection

Looks as good as a brand new Avo, and its 30 years old. Heavy fruit body without a specific taste and coffee notes with some slight wood through the mouth. Absolutely an ass kicker of power. Strong spices on the finish. 9.2

 

Davidoff Chateu Margot

Beautiful cigar, light and indiscernible flavors. Waaaaaay past its prime it takes more than half the cigar before it comes on strong spicy peanuts with crisp notes of hay and cream . When you still get these on they are stellar, this one is simply good. 8.2

 

Wed Aug 11, 2010

 

Ballapalooza is in full swing. Bdub rolls the fuck up and the panties of every woman in the county gets wet at once. Seriously somebodies grandma who’s coochie was so so dry she leaves a dust trail when she walks is now experiencing Water Country USA under her house coat. There is a 8 year old girl who doesn’t know why but she wants to go on the swing set wrap her legs around the poles and collect dollars in her jumper who doesn’t understand why, but the reason is sitting on a deck in Lake Anna. Skiboi is right behind him. Ski is so Balla Robert Deniro quotes him when he’s looking in the mirror. Seriously Ski is like a 3 foot 9 Samuel L. Jackson in a yarmulke. Just a glimpse of Wed smokes include:

 

  • 01 upmann pc
  • boli fabuloso
  • 01 diplomatico 5#
  • Two Cohiba Millis
  • Cohiba X Siglo VI
  • 1994

 

Several others occur but here are some high notes:

 

1970s Partagas Corona

Dry soft brown wrapper. Rich, buttery partagas spicy goodness. Depth of Grahaminessy you could swim across. The butter gets deeper and the spice becomes more palpable with each puff. An excellent example of a well aged 40 year old cigar. 9.9

 

1970s Por Larranaga Lonsdale

Old and looks old, veiny to the extreme. Looks like a cigar your grandfather walked up hill in the snow both ways to buy. Pepper and carmel in the extreme with a real sweet undertone and stronger than a lesbian lumberjack pmsing while on steroids. 9.6

 

Thur Aug 12, 2010

 

So Jeremy arrives next. He is the king of the metrosexuals, his hair products come by the drum. You’d normally want to ask about his orientation but based the spikiness of his hairstyle he’s either gonna respond with a thunder kick while yelling “FINISH HIM” or throw so shit on the ground and scream “PICKACHU, I CHOSE YOU!”. Either way that’s some fucked up shit to experience so I keep quiet. I’m not saying he has tendencies, but that may not be a milk mustache. If he gets drunk and crashes at your house you won’t worry about your wife but you may wonder if your daughters Barbies can stand up to the wear and tear.

 

The Part rolls in. There are ballas and then there are BALLAS, The Part is the latter. How BALLA? If the Part needs to make change for something the Treasury department has to get involved. The Part has cigars that Fidel is still on the waiting list for. If the Part has dirt on his shoulder Jay Z brushes it off. I’m serious, the man gave his wife the Ukraine for Christmas claiming “It was on sale.”. If Bill Gates dreams about surpassing the Parts wealth he better wake the fuck up and apologize!

 

Master Chen arrives to complete the Balla host. Master Chen is that undercover balla, you know the type. He lives in a building with 3 mega industrialist, 14 professional athletes, and the pope but claims he’s average. The man plans his international trips based on what cigar dealers are located near the layover airports. Master Chen is so balla Jesus has a Master Chen piece hanging on his neck, but he’s so settle instead of a Rolex he has the atomic clock people call him to tell him the time. America is actually a three party political system Republicans, Democrats and Master Chen.

 

Cohiba Reserva Media Noche

Davidoff Chateua Margot

Ramon Allones Ideales Dunhill Selection – exceptional cedar and pepper, don’t usually like cedar but this taste doesn’t suck.

Montecristo Edumundo Dantes

99 Cohiba Pyramidie from the dinner

Montecristo Lonsdale “The Monsdale” – excellent flavors of paper, smoked almonds and the slightest tastes cinnamon.

 

More people come and go, other ballas arrive and leave. The cigars well spectacular doesn’t do justice as a descriptor. In fact if Spectacular is a freshman at Descriptive High School then whatever word gives him a wedgie and facials the cheerleader of his dreams is the term that describes the shit we was passing around. But it’s not the cigars that make the week. It’s not the bottles that constitute a normal American car note that are getting popped. It’s not even the food including a ham stuffed with sausage and wrapped in bacon which in my opinion may be god’s perfect food. To the degree that I believe once a pig is skinned that’s what it should look like. It’s the camaraderie, the jokes, the brotherhood and most of all the LOVE!

 

There are certainly people that I might like to smoke with more than these guys but Jessica Alba, Serena Williams, Gabrielle Union and Jessica Biel all took out those pesky restraining orders and even without them none of them would put out for a fat poor guy anyway. Given those facts this is as good as it gets. I’m blessed to have these friendships that sustain me thru life.

 

With that although the Ballapalooza continues thru Sunday this is all I can bring down from the mountain on these tablets. I give these laws to the people so that they may prosper!

 

-Addiction-

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2 Responses to ““The Dark Side” by Addiction: Lake Anna Ballapoolza”

  1. “There is a 8 year old girl who doesn’t know why but she wants to go on the swing set wrap her legs around the poles and collect dollars in her jumper”

    Sick and wrong and hilarious.

  2. Bryan said

    I was hoping that wasn’t too far but when I thought it I laughed out loud so I let it go.

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