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“The Dark Side” by Addiction: The Worst Words

Posted by dabyrdman33 on August 21, 2010

Confessions of a Cuban Cigar Smoker

The Worst Words……

I’m not warning you about length. If you are still reading me you know what it is. But I promise next week’s will be a simple review.

So where to start? There are certainly things you don’t like to hear people say among them “I didn’t think my husband would be home so soon” or “It’s probably your baby” or “The lesions will stop burning after a while and you’ll just get used to it.” I mean let’s be honest, each of those admissions is definitely worth a WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! But there are a couple of things that grate on my nerves almost as much as the “it might be your baby” or “I gave you open sores” conversations and these are their most common variations:

“It’s not bad for what it is”

And the ever popular

“It’s a great $X cigar.”

Cohiba Sublimes Extra (From the book)

I’ve made no real secret of it, I love me a Cohiba. The cleanness of the taste which I’d have never attributed to grassiness, the effortless levels of smoke it produces, the tendency upon aging to exhibit both chocolate and vanilla all call to me. I even love the bands. If I met a stripper named Cohiba my bank account and my marriage would be doomed, currently it’s only my bank account lol.

Having stock piled enough Sublimes to survive a short nuclear winter I’d mentally decide to bypass the Sublimes Extra thinking to myself it simply wasn’t special enough to occasion a purchase. I’d simply pick up an empty book at some point. But I began to suspect that I’d pulled an “MRN” on myself and downplayed the possible level of the stick just because I hadn’t purchased any.

After a couple of decent trades I ended up with 22 Sublimes Extras (and sadly still no book). Two of these are from the prototype and while they shouldn’t be considered Sublimes Extras in the most proper sense I suppose I still salted them away as part of my “box.” That left me with two Sublimes Extra, one for “just smoking” and one for a vertical comparison of the Sublime and Sublime Extra to be accomplished at some point with friends and a considerable amount of alcohol. As for the “just smoking”, no time like the present.

Think about it: if something is nice isn’t it just nice without qualifier? Nobody ever says their 8200 square foot house on the Mediterranean with a 600 foot long private white sand beach is “nice for what it is.” At least Mr. du Monte’ never has. I’ve never heard that a Rolex is a great watch for the $, unless that person could afford to buy Patek Philippe special editions. Whenever you have to qualify the comment you really meant something else. For example:

Saying – “I don’t think it’s going to work between us, it’s not you it’s me.”

Means – “I don’t think it’s going to work between us, it’s not you it’s me……you see I can’t stand broke mothafuckers like you. Why you even ask me out working at a McDonalds, didn’t you see I was carrying a Gucci purse? Before I met you I thought a food stamp was used for mailing a cake.”

Saying – “I think you are a great girl, I just need a little time to find myself.”

Means – “I think you are a great girl, I just need a little time to find myself….a fucking size 6. Cause ummm damn just because it’s a ‘chicken’ sandwich didn’t mean you had to put a whole chicken on it. Now leave because whenever you start sweating I smell pudding”

You get the idea. So when you say “it’s not bad for what it is” what you really mean is “I bought this cigar expecting it would taste like the ass crack of a burro that’s been sweating for 16 hours straight. Surprisingly it actually tastes like a cigar, so I’m pretty pleasantly surprised by this turn of events.” So the heart of the question is why buy the Burro Ass Crack Robusto in the first place? By the way as an aside I’m pretty sure that Gurkha makes a Burro Ass Crack Robusto Especiale, assuming of course they have greatly improved the taste of their tobacco. I mean no offense but if the choices were smoke a Gurkha or be raped by a group of HIV positive convicts I might need to know exactly how many convicts before I decide. Yeah they taste that bad to me.

The CSE can only be described as massive. I mean truly massive, when I look at it I remember to buy condoms…..

Where was I? It’s cafe colored with no veins or blemishes in sight. The draw is plain and the scent is just that of cigars. The wrapper sturdy to the touch and slightly rough.

It takes flame easily and evenly and the first hit makes a tremendous cloud of smoke with that Cohiba cleanness, some slight nuttiness and little something there. Not sure about that something but it has the openness of a Siglo VI. That something is like the buzz of a short lick of a 9 volt batteries terminals, but slightly pleasant.

The stick smokes when pulled but it not when at rest. The stick has a heft in your hand it is well packed but not heavily packed. It’s tasty as it starts and while not a substantive flavor I can’t tell if I taste promise in it yet. Of course we’re less than a quarter inch in let’s see where it goes shall we?

The stick doesn’t coat the mouth really but it makes your mouth taste clean. It tastes like I had a cup of coffee and then gave my mouth a nice refreshing rinse. That cleanly washed feeling with the after taste of coffee is an excellent follow on.

I pop on Charade, the classic with Cary Grant, Audrey Hepburn, Walter Mattheau and a host of others. Something I can enjoy without paying much attention.

The CSE smokes well but not as heavy as I’d prefer. The smoke from the stick is pleasant without harshness. After the first quarter inch that almost electric buzz is there. It’s not true electricity, it’s just the way I think of the power that exposes itself on the nose exhale. Too much and I feel like I have to shake my head to clear my nose. Too little and is it really a worthwhile smoke?

To break it down assuming that you smoke properly (don’t chew the ends of your cigar, don’t hold the cigar in your mouth, don’t inhale the smoke) cigars are relatively as dangerous as driving with your window down during rush hour. However you are still willfully choosing to impact your health negatively no matter how marginally. You are still willfully ingesting some minute levels of poison. So with tobacco products (and alcohol) I personally prefer Zino Davidoff’s philosophy of “Smoke less but smoke better.”

I believe there are five general levels of goodness if you will:

  • Bad – If I have to explain this I have no idea how you’ve gotten this far in life, you prolly need to walk away from the computer now and find yourself a GED class. And stop using lead based paint as a coffee mate substitute.
  • OK – It kinda means what it says. You won’t really seek out OK experiences but you don’t shudder in horror when they approach either. Fucking a fat girl and/or riding a moped are the quintessential “OK” experiences; both can be fun until your friends find out you’re doing it. Plus fat girls have the added benefit of their kisses tasting like ham sandwiches made with Twinkies instead of bread. Assuming of course you like Twinkies.
  • Good – You have heard your friends, prolly hundreds of times, say “I wouldn’t kick her out of bed.” And that is the core of good experiences. Good experiences are the meatloaf of the experience menu, it won’t be your favorite but it’s certainly reliable and filling.
  • Great – This is your first blowjob level of goodness. Unless you were an altar boy or grew up near Neverland Ranch. In either case I apologize for the painful memories I’ve stirred up, but the rest of us desire to repeat this experience DAILY and will seek it out. This is the sweet spot on the goodiness scale.
  • Greatest – This is first Halle Berry blowjob good. No, no, no I’m underselling it let me try again. This is first Halle Berry blowjob while Megan Fox gives her head (thank god, it stops that imbecile from speaking) and Oprah’s money rains down from the ceiling on you good. Don’t worry Oprah isn’t there, I’m pretty sure she was distracted earlier with the thought of a Twinkie ham sandwich.

Before moving mentioning Oprah makes me think of Dr. Phil and I’m kinda giving you Dr. Phil like advice. I mean I’ve seen about 2 minutes of Dr. Phil and in those two brief glimpses he gave this sage life changing mentoring:

“If you continue to sleep with her sister you are robbing the bank of trust.”

And this nugget:

“Crack is bad, it’s the worst of the worst.”

It seems like this motherfucker went to 8 years of medical school and emerged with “Water is wet” as a kernel of knowledge. If you seriously don’t know that fucking your wife’s sister is a barrier to a strong marriage then your mom and dad have to be legally closer than cousins, genetics play a huge role in that level of reality bending stupidity.

The mark of a great cigar for me is that I don’t desire a drink with them. As the cafe au lait under current is starting to shine through I wouldn’t dream of drinking anything that took this taste away. An inch into and it feels almost pregnant with the flavor of cocoa.

Solidly into the first third and there is something else. Not pepper but slightly peppery maybe? The finish on this cigar is as long as the legs on a 50ft tall woman. It’s the definition of pleasant and caressing, creamy with a mist of what may become vanilla.

So many words and only a quarter of the way through the cigar. Not a harsh note to it but it’s truly sublime so far requiring focus to really appreciate it. In the second third the cafe au lait becomes more coffee subtracting some of its cream. It’s a bit bold like Pikes Peak in the morning from Starbucks. The coffee taste is nice enough but it’s a touch bitter compared to the previous creaminess. The bitterness passes quickly enough but the coffee stays without the cream. Still more than halfway to go. That nice little current of power has also slowed to a trickle. It’s still there but it’s so subtly weaved in. The taste of this cigar is quite beautiful to this point. There is still more than half to go 1:45 into the smoke, but it has been quite impressive.

The coffee gets bolder by the sip….I mean puff. That peppery thing, whatever it was, lingers. It’s like a beautiful woman seen from a great distance; you don’t have to fully view her to be aware of her. The ash hangs on for inches dark and grey like an old flannel suit.

The second half has touches of chocolate in it. Only a bit and while it’s not milk chocolate that’s the one it most resembles. It’s like the cocoa taste is trying to cross over. This transition, this state of becoming is so clear it’s like you can witness the bar forming. There is a lightness there that I’m not quite willing to identify as vanilla but instead as a lack of chocolate. I do wish I had a drink right now however. I mean the peppery part is like fairies dancing on a pin head up and down my tongue. But it’s getting a little tarry maybe?

Anywho people look at that scale and focus on Greatest. But the difference between Great and Greatest is normally minimal, subjective and abysmally more expensive. I mean seriously right before you start ummm power spraying tonsils I’m pretty sure your thoughts are “OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD” not “This would be better if this were Halle Berry”. I could be wrong but once you remove Catholic priests, The King of Pop and rest stop bathrooms I just don’t think there is an unfun way to mushroom stamp the back of a throat (notice the gender neutral blow job references there!!!) Don’t get me wrong but unless you are that guy from the Dos Equis commercials your life simply isn’t a long string of interconnected greatest experiences. But it can be, with a little preparation, a significant number of great smoking experiences.

The number one argument against Great seems to be cost. But we all have a cigar, whatever it is, that’s not too expensive for us to get and in our opinion is worth 2 or more OK cigars we have. I just think you would be significantly happier as a smoker if you stopped saying to yourself “I’ll get these Party Shorts for everyday even tho I don’t love them and I’ll but Siglo IIs that I do love as a treat.”

Great doesn’t have to be expensive, it just has to be great.

It’s also picking up something new. Nuts maybe? Or leather? Maybe nuts wrapped in leather? Not the kind you see at those “clubs” jkim frequents more like almonds that have been lightly toasted. To have been burning so long (over 2 hours) the smoke is lovely and cool. I’ve changed movies to Serenity, nice scifi shoot em up.

The leather and nuts take on depth tho just touches of it. The CSE has been all surface has good as it’s been. Its also taking on a smokiness which might seem an odd descriptor of a cigar, but there are no truer words to speak. The last third shows a range and depth that would make this next level. Comparable to the DC of which to this point has been the holy Cohiba Grail. At least for me.

The most surprising element of the CSE so far is it’s clarity. Every taste, every note accessible and definable. Still a third to go but I can stand by my original opinion, this is a good cigar. In fact better than I first noticed. But the sublime at this point and time is better.

The cigar smells like brewing coffee now. A little of the creaminess comes back, maybe a touch of cinnamon. The strongest taste is of coffee with chickory perhaps. That’s what might be confusing me of cinnamon. A fine cigar, the kind of cigar that men smoke while they sit around discussing pork bellies and soybean futures. It cajoles and promises while being pretty stand up right now. It does take a hit in the value column as it costs more than DCs or Sublimes but that doesn’t have as much as those do in tank right now.

Appearance –10

Construction – 9

Flavor – 9

Value – 8

Overall Experience – 10

Overall Grade – 9.3

Notes: Certain to become a classic but not all the way there yet. The Cohiba ELs are better NOW but that won’t be true forever.


2 Responses to ““The Dark Side” by Addiction: The Worst Words”

  1. Bryan said

    Sorry i was late with this one, ended up sending my copy to the wrong person sigh.

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