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“The Dark Side” by Addiction: You’ll Get By With A Little Help From Your Friends

Posted by dabyrdman33 on August 27, 2010

Before you flood my inbox or my Twitter timeline with complaints or shouts of “You da man!” please remember these are the thoughts and ideas of my homie, Addiction. I just post it because it’s informative and funny as hell. – Da Byrdman

 

Confessions of a Cuban Cigar Smoker

 

You’ll Get By With A Little Help From Your Friends

 

One thing that has always confused me is tattoos. I just don’t really get them. 70% of us divorce, 98% of us change jobs every seven years and we typically become part of a new circle of friends every twelve years yet we think we might know some tidbit of wisdom we want on our bodies for life? Really? So you can know now the only good decisions ever made on tequila are to swallow and/or do anal and that’s only because nobody gets preggers from a high protein diet or a trip down the Hersey Highway.

 

When you’re twenty it seems cute to have a strawberry on your boob. When your fifty and gravity has grown that shit to the size of an overripe cantaloupe you’ll question the wisdom of the choice. Dood it’s totally cool that you have “prosperity” on your shoulder in Chinese…..cept you can’t read Chinese. Hell yo ass ain’t too tight on the kings English. I’m not saying it doesn’t say prosperity but I bet it’s not a coincidence that they automatically bring your ass a plate of pepper ‘steak’ every time you go into an Asian restaurant. I’m just saying if they will lie and tell you dog is steak I’m pretty sure they might lie about a DRAWING of a fucking word. And since the only things you are currently excelling at in college are throwing up late Saturday night and chasing tail was prosperity even the right totem for you? Maybe you should look up “want fries with that” for your next tattoo. I’ll bet that shit looks an awful lot like “prosperity”…..

 

And especially for MY PEOPLE! Nobody wants you to be 42 and have your 14 year old grandchild ask about your tramp stamp! If you can’t afford more than one fucking color you don’t need no tattoo! And why in gods name would you get a tattoo in prison? Unless he has a sharpened toothbrush against your neck why the fuck would you let a dude with a third grade education write on your body with permanent ink unless you felt compelled to capture a story involving Spot running…..hopefully away from Chinatown.

 

If you had a good friend, they woulda already told you that. An as an aside ALWAYS order shrimp at Asian restaurants because it’s hard as fuck to cut a cat to look like a fucking shrimp!

 

Cohiba is my first real love. Ok maybe my third but
Cohiba is a girl who can cook, the girl who first showed you how household objects can be used during sex, the girl who got her own fucking money and she takes her scotch two fingers neat. Cohiba is perhaps mans second greatest invention after internet porn (DONT JUDGE ME!!!).

 

Knowing I like Cohiba just a little a very, very, very good friend gifted me a 1982 Cohiba Lancero to smoke. I have no words for this level of kindness and I am not deserving. But I’m lighting this bitch anyway!

 

The prelight is creamy and sweet hay. This cigar is rolled so perfectly you can draw it thru the cap. First puff is really grassy and strong, none of the vanilla pre-light sweetness. Deep and rich beany goodness tho from the tip of the tongue to the back of the throat. The sweetness rolls in shortly after the first quarter inch and the vanilla is smooth and like a velvet flavor drape on your mouth.

 

In your smoking journey you also have friends. Your trusty humidor, lighter and cutter support your habit and improve every experience. Start with the humidor. Buying a good humidor doesn’t have to be a scary experience. You can go to Walmart, get yourself a 100+ quart igloo cooler and your halfway home. You just got a perfect storage container for 30-40 boxes of smokes, just contact Cigarmony (http:\\www.cigarmony.com) and tell them Addiction sent you.

 

…….

 

Hold that thought, it will prolly go better if you told him Addiction bad mouthed him and you think Addiction is an asshole. Yeah definitely. In any event, this guy has beads…….stop smiling like that jkim, I’m talking HUMIDIFICATION BEADS. Anyway these humidification beads are better than pretty much every source of humidification I have ever tried.

 

But Albert Haynesworth ain’t using no igloo coolers. Well actually I’m pretty sure if Albert Haynesworth owns any cigars they are either made of chocolate or they are pork chop and gravy flavored so we’ll leave him out of it. Let’s just say a big balla (get it?) would want something more impressive. The best humidor money can buy is the Aristocrat. They are custom built with several standard sizes from an end table to over 100 sq feet. My boy J just got one that could fit a small Mexican family inside. Like there is such a thing, those are some fertile people. If you show a latina a picture of a dick she’ll conceive. Hell the Virgin Mary was prolly a Latina who walked to close to a mens room.

 

Anyway just look at http://www.aristocrathumidors.com/ and drool.

 

Smoke off the stick actually smells like a cohiba lancero tastes. There is the vanilla and the slightest touch of what I want to call nutmeg. Just wow! It’s creamy and sweet like condensed milk, almost reminds me of Vietnamese Coffee.

 

Cheap ass cutters have fucked up more cigars than we could count. Tell me if a broad opened her mouth and it looked like someone had just scattered chicklets and candy corn in a hole would you stick your dick in there? Outside of West Virginia prolly not, in West Virginia you’d have to cause you don’t want to offend your sister. Fucking teeth crooked as a kindergarten lunch line and shit, which her ass didn’t attend. Don’t feel bad tho that fucking moonshine wasn’t gonna make itself, somebody had to stay home.

 

Where the fuck was I? Cutters. A cutter used incorrectly can cause a cigar to unravel. Spend $50 bucks and get a Xikar or Palio from Cigarmony, less if you manage to put me down in your Order form. They are both guaranteed for life.

 

And what good is a lighter that doesn’t light? Ladies that’s like a man who temps for a living AND has a dick like a pencil that’s been sharpened down to the eraser. It’s worth it to get an ST Dupont Extend. If you don’t lose it you’ll never need another lighter.

 

There are flecks of chocolate in an ocean of vanilla. It’s like smoking a cookies and cream milkshake. I’ve burned my fingers four times on this shit, hell even licking the band is better than 90% of what I own. It’s worth every bit of the $225 it would command on the open market.

 

Appearance –10

Construction – 10

Flavor – 10

Value – 10

Overall Experience – 10

 

Overall Grade – 11

 

Notes: just DAMN!


 

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