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“The Dark Side” by Addiction: Decisions, DECLARATIONS, and Dilemmas Part IV – A Learning Experience…

Posted by dabyrdman33 on October 22, 2010

Confessions of a Cuban Cigar Smoker


Decisions, DECLARATIONS, and Dilemmas Part IV: A Learning Experience….


How fucking retarded am I?  This whole fucking time this has said Decorations rather than Declarations and those are two decidedly different things.  The worst part is I’ve been sitting here thinking I was clever, like when your ignorant ass cousin learns some shit from a word of the day calendar he read off his parole officers desk and shit. And then less than five hours later he uses that shit at the spades table but misremembers the damn word. “We need to situationalize this here shit. I don’t know about your family but I got fucking cousins that were educated on the cell block and both of them within ten minutes of meeting you will help you form the opinion that it can’t take much more to get a mail order diploma than a fucking stamp.

Seriously my cousin Lá Rodderick loves to corner people to convince them his college experience is equal to theirs. And yeah that nigga spells his name with an accent mark even tho he ain’t never been outside the state of Tennessee unless he was wearing shackles and an orange jumpsuit.  Hell my aunt Leslie wrote me a letter once, it had six hundred words and three punctuation marks; I’m pretty sure she ain’t conquered the comma yet let alone the accent mark.  I think that shit was just a smudge on his birth certificate.  And the names have not been changed to protect the innocent, hell that nigga ain’t been innocent since two days after his christening.

But he seriously thinks a prison education is the equal of Harvard.  Last I checked ain’t nobody on the Harvard quad carrying a toothbrush that’s been sharpened in case some shit jumps off over you taking an extra chocolate milk at lunch. A college party doesn’t consist of 13 guys standing in line passing a flask of toilet wine waiting to fuck some dude who, if his screams of NO, PLEASE DON’T and STOP are to be believed, clearly doesn’t want to be fucked.  Well maybe if you went to state schools you’ve seen that but whose fault is it you slacked off in maths and sciences and didn’t do any any extracurriculars?

Before I forget ummmm Lá Rodderick, how difficult a name is that to have in prison?  Doesn’t that sound like you have to put on some big ass hoop ear rings, lip gloss and tie your shirt up in the front to be called that?  Like one of those stretchy syllable names you can say while rolling your head on your neck “Uh Un no you didn’t fuck with Laaaa Rodderick”  I ain’t saying he’s gay but those pink capris didn’t wear themselves now did they?  I mean how many meat flavored cream filled lollipops do you have to find before you wonder?  Shit every time I hear his name I look down to see if someone is wearing purple crocks they bedazzled themselves. Anyway moving on.


I ain’t knocking a brother (or anyone for that matter) who wants to better himself but be real with yourself: Unless it’s how much you can cut a key before quality suffers, what you shouldn’t say about a guards mother or which bathrooms you shouldn’t go in alone prison ain’t  the best learning environment.  It doesn’t mean you didn’t learn anything.  It doesn’t mean you aren’t smart.  It just means that the quality of your education would have prolly been better at a top notch college.  Or at Kennedy King.  Hell pretty much anywhere you didn’t spend a majority of your time trying to not be the guest of honor at a 10 man sexual equivalent of a pin the tail on the donkey game (guess what, you’re the donkey in this equation).  It also means that if all other things are equal I don’t think a hiring manager has to take too long to decide between the guy with the degree from U of MD and the one with the degree from Folsom Prison. In a world where you can make mashed potatoes that don’t contain potatoes let’s not confuse getting a degree with being educated.

I also ain’t knocking people who been to prison. Life is, as I have said before, a series of decisions and outcomes. It’s a course that needs constant correction. I get that. But if you went to prison and you came home with 18 new tattoos I’m kinda knocking you. Lá Roddericks of the world, this means you. Lá Rodderick is so black his baby blanket was a fucking Matchlight charcoal bag. Like so black you think if you squeeze him hard enough you could make a diamond. And this nigga came home from 38 months in prison and the first thing he showed me, before his degree even, was new tattoos. You ever seen a black ass dood with india ink tattoos, it’s like you need to know Braille to read them bitches. This dood has tattoo tears on his face, how not good an idea is that? Not like one where you can kinda disguise it as a mole either, I mean so many you could connect the dots and draw map of United States, including geopolitical lines.

Is life not hard enough? Hell the 4 year gap in your resume tells its own story, plus any job worth a damn will know you did time before you get to your car. I’m not saying you should hide prison, or anything bad in your past (that’s a different topic); but “D Block: Murda Row” tatted pretty much anywhere that is publically viewable by other human beings is a dumb ass idea. Like that’s shit is so dumb Tiger Woods dumb ass couldn’t buy a throwaway TracPhone to communicate with waitresses but he’s wondering how that tat idea is working out for you. Unless you mean to retire in prison and by “retire” I mean “bleed out in the yard because you owed someone two packs of smokes” what is the upside of such a tattoo?

And how the hell can you have tattoo tears on your face and complain about hiring bias against former felons? Really? How do you get all the way to a Masters degree and not learn to recognize the huge chasm between theory and application? Cause in theory a former guest of the state with a masters degree is a way better candidate than a dude with a GED who is attending (and failing) community college night school. But in application I’m much more likely to hire the GED dumbass than I am to hire reformed murder/rapist/mob heavy. The GED dood is prolly in all likelihood going to be late at least twice every 5 working days and will smell like weed and/or bong water every other day. I mean no offense if you have a GE…….Actually if you have a GED what the fuck are you doing on this website, that’s like a fucking blind man going to a silent movie festival and shit. Anyway however tardy or high the GED dood is that seems like upside when compared to the probability that you’re fresh out of jail ass will go on a 3 day meth bender and ritualistically rape and murder two of our secretaries. One of which was a man. Now is that true, prolly not. It damn sure ain’t fair. But that’s exactly what happens in the human mind most of the time, even in enlightened people, when presented with those choices.

Aight where were we on the office? We broke it last at a total cost of $2304.  I’ve since dialed down my affections for the ozone machine. Mostly because my wife is asthmatic and ozone affects the lungs if breathed. It’s not worth it, not even a little bit.  I talk a lot of shit but I would be horribly and abysmally lost without that woman.  So let’s back put that $314 back in my pocket to get down to $1990 as a total.

I gotta say that number is blowing my mind.  I wasn’t expecting to spend what I’ve spent, what I’m fucking still spending.  But I’m halfway to home already with a large number of sunk costs I can’t really recoup, nothing to do but put my head down and push through it.

One of the things that has to change in my garage is the garage doors. The chilliest part of my garage was by the doors, when the wind blew it was like standing in a windstorm with a fucking playing card in front of you. Sometimes it would blow out a lighter, no joke. I have seen crackhouses with better garage doors, seriously.  Not only did I have shitty doors, I had shitty uninsulated doors.  Having a heat pump and insulating the walls won’t be worth a damn if 25% of the total wall space is uninsulated tin foil. A basehead who thinks one more hit and he’ll quit knows better than that shit.  I had builder grade garage doors and builder grade is legalese for “the shittiest quality we can use and not be sued” so the garage doors had to be changed.

Aight so garage door replacement.  The people who change garage doors, those people make the cocking sucking HVAC death leeches look like the very modicum of professionalism.  The first dood that came out I swear to god he was dressed like Jed Clampett from the Beverly Hillbillys, rope for a belt an all.  The next dood that came just looked super creepy, like I wanted to go take those magnetic signs off his truck and see if there was a sign on his door that said “Free Candy”, that kinda fucking creepy.  Also the one reasonably dressed English speaking dood wanted to charge me $3000 for doors that everyone else was charging between $1950 and $2300 for.  Suffice to say I went with Jed Clampett even tho he didn’t have the best price.  Creepy candy dood was at $1950 price wise but he was creepy candy dood so I took a pass.  

So Jed…..I mean Sam from Armor Garage Doors hit me with some Amarr Olympus 500 Doors (15.67 R Rating) with 2 liftmaster ¾ horsepower belt drive openers for $2000.  The openers were crucial as they provide a combined 400 watts of light allowing me to not worry about other light sources and saving me about $400 in other areas. Plus no more wind in the garage


Sam and a kid who closely resembles the missing link came and installed the doors last Friday; they look perfect and work even better.  I did have to calk everything myself however but it is what it is.

So that’s $3990 coming around the fucking bend and I still have QUITE a ways to go.  I can’t fucking breathe under that damn number.  This was supposed to be, at least in my fucking mind, a $4500-$5000 all in kinda gig and I know that at this point even if I did the work myself that number is too small.  And I ain’t capable of most of the work, my fucking handy man projects look like a toddler working with legos; shit be all crocked and there be extra fucking pieces left over that you couldn’t figure out how to use till AFTER you lose them.  I mostly don’t try anymore; I consult smart friends and hire good contractors.

Getting further caught up on costs I wanted to have wood flooring, for no good reason I can think of.  Well I mean it really seems to make a room feel finished, I love that look that’s why I wanted it.  After a lot o hemming and hawing I got the flooring situated and that was $578 for floating wood flooring with everything except installation which I will have to do myself.  At this point I simply can’t incur more costs so I’ll have some buddies come over to help, open a couple of great bottles of wine and offer up some great cigars and live with it.  I’ll do most of the work but since I’m less handy than the average man my friends will come to oversee it.  That takes us too $4,568 for the new total.  But all the materials I NEED are accounted for.

The key word in that sentence is NEED.  This project is mentally broken into two components, the things I need (cooling and warmth, smoke eater, fresh air) and the things I want (to long a damn list to name).  I’d decided that I would tackle the essentials in phase one, then revisit in 6 months with a wants update, then 6 months another wants update, do it like that.  But I clearly have not kept to that schedule because I’d let some wants turn into needs.

Wood floors were a want, but I saw something I was looking at go from $1400 total cost to $578 total cost and I took the plunge. So besides floors I wanted a TV for my office. These days I have to chose between cigars and TV, I wanted to combine my three favorite things going forward (a great movie, a great cigar and a great drink). And I found a Panasonic Viera G20 Series 54 inch plasma at Bestbuy for $627 new in box (technically it was $827 but I had stockpiled a crap load of those reward points so I knocked it down $200 after tax). It goes without saying I took it. So that’s $5,582 once you count the TV, mounting bracket, speaker bar with subwoofer, and all required cables. Normally I sweat the purchase of AV equipment a little more but this is for a garage for gawks sake. I’ll be connecting a PS3, Apple TV, and cable box to the TV and all of these are already owned. I may also move my Xbox here but in reality I wouldn’t smoke and play a game I’m just moving the PS3 for the blue ray. Let’s throw $175 on top of that number for a Logitech Harmony 1000 universal remote with the controller for the PS3 for a running total of $5757.

I’m also this close to acquiring a three tap kegerator, also very much a want. Hell a keg of beer will probably last me an entire year, but I do host a couple of major parties a year so they won’t go to waste at all. If I can do this for under $500 I will, and I can even if I have to build one so let’s just count this as done at $400 for a total of $6157. Imma throw some cash at odds and ends and round it up to $6300 for now.




That’s enough for today.

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