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“The Dark Side” by Addiction: Decisions, Declarations, and Dilemmas Part V: If The Capris Fit….

Posted by dabyrdman33 on October 29, 2010

Confessions of a Cuban Cigar Smoker
 
Decisions, Declarations, and Dilemmas Part V: If The Capris Fit….
 
This is the 17th post I’ve written and the number one question I’ve been asked is “Do you actually have a cousin named Lá Rodderick?”
 
I’ve tried to open up a little island south of Miami for the uninitiated.  I’ve come out in support of the smoke less smoke better philosophy. I’ve posted reviews on some of the best sticks on Earth in my opinion.  And what sticks with you guys, my crazy ass relations.  I do not, for the record, have a cousin
named Lá Rodderick.  I do however have a cousin named Lá Rodderick Cherrelle (sp) Gilliam.  I don’t know if that’s how it’s spelled but that is EXACTLY the way his middle name is pronounced.  I think it’s French for “Why, yes my chin IS a ball rest”. You won’t believe me and that’s your right but why would I make that up?
 
La Ray Ray, as he likes to be called………
 
Yeah go ahead and yuck it up, I’ve known the nigga 30 years and I still chuckle every time I hear that. 

Anyway La Ray Ray is relatively hard core as far as the streets, but that dood is gay.  I’m talking Ru Paul in a Turkish bath gay.  George Michael in a rest stop
bathroom gay.  I mean the grand marshal of the San Francisco Pride Parade will stop the parade, climb down off his pink unicorn of love float made from midnight lilies that also includes the vibrating saddle, sashay across the avenue while looking over his rhinestone sunglasses to check his reflection in a glass pane to make sure his leather thong and matching pink calfskin thigh high boots are still fierce and point at La Ray Ray and say “Bitch please.”. That gay.

The strange shit is the way it intertwines. I have seriously seen a situation like this:
 
La Ray Ray: Nigga what you say?!  You think you want this, nigga, you better be about yo
muthaphukking business before twist you round nigga.  I will knock you the fuck out right here, right now you punk ass………..
 
Where did you get those shoes, did they have them in pink?”
 
I have seen La Ray Ray pull a motherfucker out of a car at a stop light and start stomping
him over $6 while wearing pleated Capri pants.  Fo real, fo real.  As an aside your day is going pretty badly if you are getting stomped out by a
dude with butterfly borettes at the end of his braids, you have to go back to the hood and lie about that shit.
 
Them: Damn son you got fucked up!  But why you got glitter all over you……
 
I got no fight with lesbians or gays.  As long as it’s two (or more for you Mormon freaks) consenting adults you should take love where ever you can find it, it’s one of the two things there aren’t enough of in this world.   The other is strippers who are so new they have not figured out you get the money
BEFORE you start sucking the dick, but we’ll save that topic for another day.  I don’t think gays should be unduly teased.  As an aside why in god’s name are
there gender specific word for women who are gay?  Were all the lesbians at a construction site taking a lunch break and thinking “We need a way to
differentiate ourselves from the fags……I GOT IT!”
 
As I was saying gays shouldn’t be unduly teased, but they are going to get teased.  Only two groups get a pass on undue teasing rightly or wrongly.  The first
is the Jewish people.  They get a pass due to the whole World War II deal.  Well that and they own all the media outlets; if you want to be read, seen or heard you are only allowed one Jewish joke per outing, unless you are actually Jewish.  Fuck around and make three Jewish jokes if you want
too, your blog readership will go down to 7 people, 3 of whom are
dyslexic.  And of course the black community, due to slavery. White guilt is a real thing people.  Even tho no one was alive in the 2000s who ever owned slaves, except of course Strom Thurmond, white people still carry that shit. Other than those peeps everyone else is fair damn game.  I mean seriously sometimes when I’m with
my white friends I look at them all sad and forlorn like and I think “Why didn’t your great great great great great grand daddy teach my great great great great great grand daddy how to read when he owned him?” and
they just get in the mood to pick up the tab without knowing why.  Unless it’s Skiboi, he ain’t falling for it. Plus he’s Jewish and a work out freak, he can bounce a dime off his abs and turn it into 11 pennies…..
 
I mean seriously think about the Judd Apatow movies.  The man has a billion dollar box office of movies filled with fag, dyke, queer, “You know how I know you’re gay”, etc. No one bats an eye at that shit.  Let Judd Apatow make a movie that had 15 nigga jokes in it that weren’t said by niggas and see what happens.  Be three thousand muthaphukkas linked arm and arm outside his house singing “We Shall Overcome” right now I guarantee it. And the movie might be great, but no one is going to see it.
 
Every ethnicity in America has paid a price to become American.  Chinese had to build railways and learn the secret arts of dry cleaning.  Irishmen built skyscrapers and developed alcoholism to an art form.  Indians (the red dot kind not the feathers kind) have cultivated the Slurpee and made things that
shouldn’t be odorless smell of curry.  I could go on and on but you get my point.  Blacks are only exempt from PUBLIC ridicule because of the heavy price their freedoms came at.  Jews are exempt mostly because of the Holocaust, a worldwide event.  Well less because of the holocaust than about the
fact they own the media outlets and put out a movie about the holocaust (or world war II) every 3 months just to be sure we don’t forget.  Everyone else should expect to be made fun of occasionally.
 
Especially if you go out the house wearing Capri pants, glitter eye
shadow, lime green high tops and you were born with a penis.  Should you be able to love who you love when you want too?  Undoubtedly.  Should you be able to love who you love when you want to dressed like a Carnivale Grand Marshal or a Clown College Valedictorian?  No.  La Ray Ray thinks because he has a right to suck cock he has a right to dress like Peg Bundy
with a bad meth habit and not get ridiculed and that’s where he takes it too far.
 
If some right wing nut job shows up to take La Ray Ray out because  he thinks God hates queers then he better be wearing Kevlar under that sheet or his day is gonna end a WHOLE lot differently than he hoped.  If some dood laughs and points at him because he’s dressed like an extra from the Wiz, that ain’t my problem.
 
He also takes it a little too far with how “real” he keeps it but I done rode La Ray Ray like he had a shot at winning the triple fucking crown so I’mma dial
that shit down a second and get back to the task at hand, driving myself to fucking bankruptcy court for a smoking room. So I believe the magic number was
$6300.  That becomes $6500 because I hired the next door neighbor’s children, two lanky teens, to do the managing of the lifting and toting.  

Let’s revisit the kegerator situation.  All the parts I estimated as $400, remember that?  Well I upgraded everything just a touch and doubled that
number to $800, fuck me.  So that extra $400 makes it $6900.
 
The garage also needed drywall, insulation, electricity, etc.  That’s $5200 to get the room done and up to primed for a total of $12,100.  I’m out of jokes here, the vision of being envious of people who eat more than once a week saps my ability to laugh it seems.  Throw another $500 at painting, $200 at entertaining friends who will instruct me in the fine art of not fucking up my
flooring and we’re at $12,900.  That’s not counting cigars we’ll easily smoke $500 worth of good shit that day.  Let’s call it a $13,000 remodel and NEVER SPEAK OF IT AGAIN.
 
Except I still won’t have any furniture……

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